Leaders Do Difficult Conversations Well
They realize there isn't any choice, if they truly care about their people
This week, we’re talking about a very specific, if also very sticky topic: Having difficult conversations. For years, I’ve given my clients three choices as leaders when it comes to dealing with them:
Avoid them, and watch people fail
Do them badly, and watch your organization fail
Do them well, and watch people and your organization get back to succeeding
So let’s talk about the best option, and learn to do difficult conversations effectively.
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You’ll Never Love Doing Difficult Conversations
But you can learn to do them with love.
That sounds a little corny, but it’s the most important thing I’ve learned about handling difficult conversations. Your intentions are everything. And if you’re doing difficult conversations poorly (or avoiding them) you might start by examining your reasons for having them in the first place.
In my experience, most people avoid difficult conversations because they think:
They don’t want to hurt people’s feelings
Difficult conversations make them uncomfortable, too
Difficult conversations harm relationships and undermine trust
They’re not worth it, in the end
Well it’s true that these things could happen — if you’re doing difficult conversations for the wrong reasons. Because if your intentions are off, then so will be your approach, practice, and results when doing them.
Reframe Your Reasons TO DO Difficult Conversations
Start by asking, “What good could come from doing difficult conversations well?”
This will begin the process of changing your intentions and your assumptions about what they’re all about.
Difficult conversations aren’t about hurting feelings, but helping people feel better because they can think/act/perform better as a result.
Difficult conversations can’t make you feel uncomfortable if your goal is to help someone improve or, more seriously, prevent them from failing in some important way.
Difficult conversations done well can enhance relationships and strengthen trust because your goal is to support and coach someone you care about - a family member, colleague, peer - just as a good friend should!
Difficult conversations are intrinsically valuable because they are focused on the truth, transforming challenges into opportunities and creating a future-state of success for everyone involved. What could be more valuable than that?
When you reframe your purpose for doing difficult conversations, you might start to get motivated to do them well, and immediately. They can become one of the kindest things you do for others, and most powerful things you do for the performance in your organization and relationships.
Better Attitude, Better Performance
Once you shift your attitude towards difficult conversations, you can shed the emotional anxiety around learning to do them better and realize:
Difficult conversations are mostly a matter of improving your communication skills.
The differences between normal conversations and difficult ones are usually degrees of intensity, such as:
Emotions are running high and hot
Opinions are strong (and often misunderstood)
Stakes are high (especially if issues are left unresolved)
Now you probably do conversations that involve emotions, opinions and important stakes frequently; it’s only when they go to “high” or extreme levels that we consider them challenging. But at their core, they’re still just conversations, which means your tools for resolving them aren’t magic:
You just have to communicate better under more “intense” circumstances.
Here’s How to Do Difficult Conversations Better
You can practice some core communication skills to get better at important conversations:
Check your premises. Before you begin, make sure you know what you want to have happen and the mutual benefit for all parties. Get clear about the goals (not just your perspectives) before you start.
Script it out. In my experience, writing down the main points of your conversation, refining the language, and even rehearsing with a colleague helps choose the right vocabulary, tone, pace, and pause to keep things conversational, rather than confrontational. Scripting and rehearsing can help you hear yourself in advance, to ensure your positive intentions are coming through your choices of communication, information, and body language.
Start slowly. Don’t jump in the deep end. Begin by expressing your intentions, goals, and a short description of the situation. Then ask the other party if they agree it’s something to work on together and then —— importantly —— stop. Let the other party listen, process, and buy into the goal. If they don’t see the problem yet, ask questions until you reach a mutual, objective understanding of something to resolve. Then, proceed.
Let facts create calm. As you explain the situation, don’t leap to the conclusion too quickly. Present succinct facts and observations logically and calmly. Don’t go on emotional or historical tangents. Stay current and focused. This prevents overwhelming the other party, and keeps the situation safe. If the other person doesn’t feel in jeopardy, their defense mechanisms (fear, anxiety, sarcasm) are less likely to be triggered.
Ask questions to maintain dialogue. Does this make sense? Do you agree with those facts? Is there something I have overlooked or don’t know? Can you add to our understanding? Questions keep the other person involved in the process of solving the problem together. A state of inquiry creates teamwork, rather than a sense of being attacked.
Finally, collaborate. Just like we do in good negotiations, concentrate on being hard on problems, but soft on the people involved. Use encouraging words and body language, stay curious, objective, and open to options rather than issuing ultimatums. Reaffirm your intentions to stay collaborative, rather than combative, when having difficult conversations.
Practice makes Progress
Will you ever love doing difficult conversations? I doubt it. But I don’t think that’s actually a bad thing. Just as a speaker who is committed to their craft still gets nervous after years of speaking engagements, a leader who hesitates before having a difficult conversation is doing the right thing: Taking their time to check their intentions, prepare for the conversation, and approach the situation with the respect and care of helping someone they consider important succeed.
When you put it that way, it may not ever sound like fun, but it won’t seem as difficult as it once did.
See you on our next Monday Mastermind call!
—M
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